Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
