I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
