the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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