I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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