could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
