My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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