some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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