I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
