I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
