Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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