He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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