Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
