I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
