I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
