last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
