She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
