My hand turned me down
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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