Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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