Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
