So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
