his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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