We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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