The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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