Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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