you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
