I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
