Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
