did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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