You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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