im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
