I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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