ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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