You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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