i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
