Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
