Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
