The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
