Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Jerry, you need to find god
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
