she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
