My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
