I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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