Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
