i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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