haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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