I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
