If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
