I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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