I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
