do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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