Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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